Dig Deep

April 21, 2014 — Leave a comment

I know everyone isn’t a Christian and all… But, like I said yesterday, there is freedom of speech and there is respect ..

The thing that wearies me the most is when I see people take a spiritual concept and then completely twist it in such a way as to miss the point of what is being said.

It’s gotten to the point now where people will legitimately go out of their way to find just ONE voice that agrees with them.  And it’s that type of attitude that shows a level of selfishness that I’ve come to expect out of anyone who is born on this earth.  The thing that’s just about worse is the other twist in this dynamic:   the selfish reasons by which a man will agree with a woman, a woman with a man, a family member with a family member.

And this level of agreement will be defended to the death.  Right or wrong.  The problem is, it’s most arduous defense is usually when it’s wrong.  Truly, that is the one that hits me most in my heart.

You got so called, “empowerment” groups saying “follow me and I’ll teach you how to stand tall”.  You got other groups saying this or that is ok.  You got mothers defending their child when the child committs some of the most heinous acts   blaming the victim as if the victim is wrong for calling the police or standing up for themselves in a court of law .

As if, people want you to trade one master for another but yet, call you all sorts of ignorant types when you don’t give them the time of day.  But yet, they promise you all sorts of freedom and so forth.

The biggest most detestable lie to me is when I see someone take the truths of God in Heaven and twist them for their own selfish gain.  They pervert spiritual riches by saying “God promises you earthly riches.” When in fact, God is speaking of spiritual and eternal riches. 

Yet, I get told to shut up when I tell a woman the most precious jewel of her IS her body.  Why?  Because the body is the ONE thing she has that she has control over.  The same with any human being.  Your mind can “loosely ” wander but your body is the instrument by which your mind does it’s work.  So if you can control the entirety of your body, you restrain, and thus control, the mind.

Yet, people don’t want to understand that.  Some of you choose to cloud your mind with liquor and drugs then wonder why you can’t stop doing this or that.  Wondering why you can’t have peace outside of yourself.  It’s simple, control your body to restrain your mind.

I’m not saying it’s easy.  Sometimes I have to openly tell myself “no”.  The ultimate question we all have to ask ourselves, at some point, is , “how strong is our will?”  Because your soul is the very you dation of who you are and there is where you will find your will.

That’s why I truly love the statement, “dig deep inside yourself to accomplish your goal.”  Because that involves digging into your very soul to overcome.  Digging into that place that also site your spirit and conscience to say, “Enough!”

Dig deep within yourself to openly acknowledge just who you are and to know that you’re better than this.

But, then again, you could probably just telk me I’m talking out my behind and need to go sit down somewhere

The Fights Of Love

April 15, 2014 — Leave a comment

Being in a relationship is hard to be honest.  Even more truthful is the fact that anything worth having is worth fighting for.  The problem is, we often committ ourselves to the wrong type of fight.

Arguments happen in relationships because you have two individuals with two different point of views on life, they have had totally different experiences, so their opinions on various things differ.  Those are actually healthy arguments to me.  Because those are the rumblings that must happen for two people to grow together and come on one accord and become single minded.

The unhealthy arguments usually involve some type of trust breaking act.  Such as a lie or some sort of infidelity.  One person is trying to justify their bad action while the other person is reaching for correction.  Very unhealthy because those lead to distance and seperation.  Two will struggle to become one.

I’m sitting here right now thinking about this because I remember how I used to say that, “If I have to fight you to be with you, then I don’t want to be with you at all.”  THAT was a very immature thought process I assure you.  Allow me to explain.

We have to understand that, sometimes, in order to show someone we love them, we DO have to fight them.  To fight through their ego, their stubbornness, and other factors.  In the same manner, we have to fight ourselves just so we can love them.  Letting go of self to be selfless and willing to look out for them.  Or dropping our ego just to do something as simple as letting go of our own wants just so we can fulfill the needs of the relationship.

Loving someone, and being loved, is at times a gamble.  But it’s a gamble that we can win in the door.  As long as we’re willing to put in the good and healthy fights.

Better Body

April 14, 2014 — Leave a comment

image

So I’m going to start this workout program tomorrow.  All 6 ft 2 in 189 pounds of me.  Ceasing the cig smoke has been harder than I thought but hey, what’s life without a challenge, I suppose.

So tomorrow morning I’ll be working towards a leaner me then polish it off with that P90X plan just so I can build some strength and a little muscle.  Wish me luck.  I would love to be around for my kids and for myself.  A healthier me is on the way!

Test Them

April 10, 2014 — Leave a comment

Not every pretty face is worth my time.  Truthfully, this is how I feel.  Not every pretty face comes packaged with a pretty personality.  This is what I’ve seen.  Not every pretty face comes with pretty intentions.  This has been my experience.

What’s it worth to you?  This is a question I ask you, my audience.  I suppose I ask it because I’m tired of seeing good people reduced to how they look or what they have.  I could ask, “Whatever happened to seeing a person for who they are?”. But I’d be making myself out to seem delusional.  No one sees a person for who they are. I doubt they ever have.  Most people only see in a person what they want to see.

Now, whether that is good or bad is merely up for debate.  Because what a person sees is really relative to that person.  But the qualities of a person, I don’t think anyone sees that.  Not anyone on this side of Heaven anyway.

I do find truth in what God said, when speaking of David’s brother’s, that “man sees what’s on the outside, but God sees what’s in a man’s heart”.  Then, while speaking of the heart of man, Jesus said “it is filled with all sorts of lies and deceit.”.

So, what am I to believe at this point in my life?  I guess you, my reader, can ask if you can even believe me.  You are entitled to that honestly.far too often I tell people to put me to the test.  I find no one willing to give me a challenge or, at least, challenge me.  I’m not all knowing but God’s Word is pretty clear on what to expect from humans.  So I expect all things while demanding nothing.

Thus, most people bore me.  Comes with the territory of making the decision I made 13 years ago to study people.  And, to be frank, most bore me.  If you study people long enough, you’ll get to the very foundation of their actions.  Don’t focus on what you see.  Focus on their reasoning, their goals, their plans.  Put an emphasis on what they say. “For what comes out of the mouth of a man is what is in their heart.”.

If you, in the least bit of loving yourself, do not put people to the test and weigh them against what love truly is, then you will always fall as a victim.  And never rise as a victor.

The Power Within

April 9, 2014 — Leave a comment

I remember when I opened this blog about a week ago.  I did so with the intent of posting everyday.  Yet, I know me, I would have to find some sort of inspiration to do that and not many things inspire me.

Today, I was in the shower thinking about that opening paragraph.  I wanted to write today but I felt so uninspired.  That’s when it hit me; stop seeking inspiration outside of myself and look within.  Something I have lived out many times during various things in my life, but I was never able to put words to it until now.

Finding inspiration within myself becomes easier to do now that I’m able to put some words to it.  It’s similar to having depression.  I always knew something was off but it wasn’t until I had a name for it that it became easier to deal with and manage.  I would think that applies to almost everything in life.  Because some of our bigger struggles often have no name or identity.

It’s when we can recognize what is going on that we can actively do something about it.  Thus, here I am seeking my inspiration from within.  Because there is no power outside of myself that can do for me what the power within me can do.  That is where my drive, passions, desires, inner fire, heart and soul lie.  That is where God communicates with us the most and strengthens us.

No matter how much we plan, prepare, and expect things in our lives, there is nothing on Earth that can overcome that inner man thy can NOT be destroyed or killed.  It can be weakened, thought as nothing, and even; by our own choices, left wanting.  Yet, it is within that we find out who and what we truly are.

Emotional Mastery

April 7, 2014 — Leave a comment

For the last 23 years I have wrestled with the darkness of depression.  More accurately, I was diagnosed as a manic depressant at the age of 14 (I’m merely assuming it was sooner than that that the emotional feelings truly began)

I would like to say it has probably taken just as long for me to come to a place of controlling it versus letting it control me.  I will admit this much though, it takes a level of emotional discipline that I never thought I had.  Manic depression is quite difficult to master.  It’s called “manic” because the highs of y emotional state are truly very high.  The “depression” is found in my down moments.  Because they are truly down moments.

So, at any given moment, while based on triggers, I can either be extremely emotionally high or extremely emotionally down.  The mastery of this involved finding a good middle ground d emotionally.  Where I am neither up not down, but a comfortable calm.

The drawback to this is that some people would swear I am emotionally dead because I never give away my emotional state.  Do I have times when I am emotionally down?  Of course, otherwise I wouldn’t have days where I have to power through just to fight the urge to run and hide.

Same with my emotional highs.  I have to talk myself down so that I’m not emotionally off in space somewhere.  This impacts my ability to maintain a fruitful relation with a woman because most women are driven by emotion and they often expect their mate to follow suit.

I don’t.  I merely keep pushing forward as if I am not affected when , in fact, I am.  It’s just a matter of me maintaining myself emotionally so that I don’t either crash or my expectations exceed the moment.  So I choose my comfortable calm.

It took some time, experimentation, and failures to understand what works for me.  And, what works for me, might not work for everyone else.  But I still advise people to at least try to find their comfort zone.  Then, once they do, expand it little by little.  Because you don’t want to become a person who just has a small comfort zone.  So small that, in fact, it’s nearly impossible for anyone else to join you and enjoy your presence or find comfort with you.

It is time consuming, yet very rewarding.

So, this is my little piece of advice for the day… Hope it helped someone.

From Beginning To End

April 7, 2014 — Leave a comment

I’m laying here in bed right now taking in a period of thought.  Not exactly sure why I’m up right now, so I’m just thinking.

Not exactly sure what I want to focus on in my thoughts; they’re all so jumbled right now so it’s hard to discern where one thought ends and another begins.  But isn’t that the essence of life sometimes?  I guess I say that to say that thoughts aren’t like days sometimes.

We can look at a clock and tell where one day ends and another begins.  We know at 11:59pm, one day has officially come to a close.  We know at 12:01am, another day has officially begun.  Yet, it’s all relative when you really think about it.  Because we often say our day starts when we wake up, get out of bed, have our morning coffee or breakfast, or when we even walk out the door.

Again, it’s all relative.  The ending of our days can end at various times and moments also.  But jumbled thoughts are different.  Because jumbled thoughts can represent a neverendong movie of our day, week, month, year, or life.  It’s all points back to being relative, I suppose.

And it’s all just a review.  A moment, a flash, as if in the blink of an eye.  A brief review played out in our minds to come to some sort of conclusion about our lives.  And, once the review is over, we realize that the thoughts weren’t jumbled at all.  Just pieces to the puzzle of our lives that we took a moment to put together for the sake of cohesiveness and sanity.

A beginning and an end.  I’m typing this and the Bible verse, “the end of a thing is better than its beginning” comes to mind.  And I ask myself, “how will my end be?”. If my beginning was pronounced as a miracle and my mother was full of pride and joy, will my end be one of the same? 

I suppose it would depend on how I walk away from the mirror that is my mind..

Cushioning The Lopsided Foot

April 3, 2014 — Leave a comment

Spent the day ripping and running all through Ann Arbor taking care of some personal business..  Honestly, I enjoyed it.  Why?  Because I was able to do something I haven’t been able to do in a long time, and that’s have a cushion financially.

The road to get to this point hasn’t been easy, but it’s a road worth traveling.  Of course , I had plenty of help along the way, and I am eternally grateful.  It’s just the point for me, since this was a goal of mine, to be able to organize myself in such a way that I’m able to save money.

And honestly, it feels good.  So, where do I go from here?  I couldn’t tell you to be honest.  Mostly because I also set out to cut down on my spending on a month to month basis and now pull up a revised budget.

I also met someone who holds my interest a bit.  Not an easy task for anyone, but it really isn’t that hard to pull off.  I figure, relationship wise, I am allowed to be picky, but for the right reasons.  Not for anything materialistic or physical, but because I want to ensure the shoe fits right while leaving room for me to grow.  Sounds selfish I suppose, but I think the other person should feel I fit her while letting her have her own space to grow.

And the key thing is that we can then grow together.  Who wants a lopsided foot anyway.

Light Through Darkness (Working Through Rejection)

April 1, 2014 — Leave a comment

Today I went to the library jut to download a game on my Steam account and watch some youtube videos.  On the way here, I got that dreadful text most people in my position dislike.  That dreadful, “I don’t think we’ll click but good luck in your search” text.  I hate that text.  Which is weird considering, I moved on when I didn’t hear from her some time ago.  I cut it as a loss and basically moved on.

But, and this is the thing, I suffer from depression.  Manic depression to be exact so it wasn’t too long after receiving that text that I fell into a state of depression.  So, here I am at the damn library wanting to go crawl into a dark room somewhere.  I mean I felt it in the very fiber of my being.  Hell, I couldn’t even type my body was shaking so badly.  But, I did the one thing I felt I should do in that moment.  I fought through it.

I simply did my usual Google searches, checked my FB, jumped on youtube and watched some videos.  While every inch of me was screaming, “GO, RUN, HIDE!”, in my mind I was telling myself to just sit here and do what I came to do.  10 minutes later I was back in 100% status with everything back to normal.  Nature of the beast.

I got diagnosed with depression back when I was 13.  23 years I have lived with this and for 23 years I have fought through, learned about it, come to understand it.  Knowledge is power I tell ya!  If only because having this knowledge has helped me come to a place where I can calm my mind just enough to fight through the darkness that is trying to enclose me in.  Not an easy thing to do, especially when most doctors will tell you that you need to be on meds.  My medication is my faith.  That is what helps give me light through the darkness.  Therefore, my faith is my strength.

Honestly, rejection comes with the territory of dating.  I’m used to it.  It happens.  I’m not someone who thinks I’m everyone’s cup of tea.  Doesn’t mean I have to like it either.  I just choose to handle it in the same way I handle everything else that goes on in my life, I just keep moving forward while leaving all else behind me.

Being Single

April 1, 2014 — Leave a comment

I’m 36 and single.  Ugh, single.  Honestly, I’ve never experienced anything more boring exercise of human existence.  I guess some find it fun to be single.  I’m not built like that.  I’m more of the “life is exciting while with a partner” type of person.  Unfortunately, my social skills to obtain a mate are sorely lacking.  *sigh*

But I’m working on it.  No, I REALLY am working on it.  Like blood, sweat, and tears type of effort ya know.  It’s just, well the thing of it is this, I don’t want to be one of those people so stuck on “wanting” that I screw it up.  So, I hold back from time to time.  Ok, that was a lie, I hold back ALL the time.  Mostly because I have come to find out that no matter how much a person wants another person to be “real”, I’ve been told I am often too real.  I will admit to speaking my mind from time to time and also being honest about myself up front.  But, I kind of thought that is the type of foundation people would desire.  An honest one.

 

So, therein lies my frustration with the dating scene that I have entrenched myself in.  Why should i have to hold back my opinions, or tailor my opinions to someone who might not even make the final cut anyway.  And, the sad thing in my mind, I’m NOT even trying to sleep with anyone, I’m just trying to find ONE.  My life isn’t a lay’s commercial.  I just want one woman.  I’m not saying I want THE one because I feel that the one woman I wind up with will be the one not because God chose her to be the one for me but because I chose her. (that is another writing entirely, so be on the look out for that explanation)

 

So this is my current thought process in a nutshell.  I’m done writing for now.  I’m going to go watch some youtube videos, finish reading a book, or play a game or something….